


You want me, then fucking come and find me

by He_is_half_my_soul



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater, The Dreamer Trilogy - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Is Trying His Best, Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Violence, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is a Good Boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 13:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21636619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/He_is_half_my_soul/pseuds/He_is_half_my_soul
Summary: It's been two months since Ronan kissed Adam inside his childhood bedroom and for a reason that still stays unknown to Ronan two months since Adam kissed him back.When Adam kissed him he was on the top of the world.And now he felt like he had abruptly fallen back down.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 12
Kudos: 178





	You want me, then fucking come and find me

**Author's Note:**

> Adam and Ronan figure their shit out.
> 
> Trigger warnings for mentions of past abuse and physical violence. 
> 
> (also title is obviously from the radiohead song, "Talk show host")

Two months.

It's been two months since Ronan kissed Adam inside his childhood bedroom and for a reason that still stays unknown to Ronan two months since Adam kissed him back.

Ronan would swear that nothing could ever possibly top the moment when his lips touched Adam's chopped ones, the moment his hand tangled through his unevenly cut hair, the moment he got to bring their hands together and press soft kisses to his long, elegant fingers.

He was on the top of the world.

And now he felt like he had abruptly fallen back down.

Because it's also been two months since Adam, since the _demon_, tried to strangle him. Two months since he was a breath away from getting unmade. Two months since Gansey died and then came back to life.Two months since Cabeswater disappeared leaving nothing but its memory and a hole to Ronan’s dreams.

It's been two months and Adam is currently sleeping in Declan's old bedroom and Ronan feels like he is close enough to hear his breath but too far away feel it on his skin.

They have not discussed boundaries and to say that it's driving Ronan crazy would be the understatement of the century. He knows that Adam is not taking this lightly. Ronan does not do casual relationships and he knows that Adam has figured out so long before he brought their lips together in front of the night sky.

They have not however ever given a name to their somewhat complicated relationship. They are obviously far beyond friendship at this point but Ronan does not exactly know where they stand either.

And the problem is, Ronan has figured, that he doesn't know how to ask.

He knows Adam is a thinker. He knows that logically, he is still sizing the facts inside his mind, preferring to go slow and sure rather that rush into something that he will later regret.

He knows that this is Adam's defence system, to keep himself from getting hurt and possibly hurting other in the process. He knows that this is just who Adam is.  
Usually when Ronan wants something he does everything in his power to get it, no matter what the cost is.

But for some inexplicable reason, Ronan needs Adam, who is proven to be the thing Ronan wants the most, to come to him by himself.

He would not have believed anyone who would have told him that waiting would be this hard.

The window in Ronan's old room is open, the stars burning brutally in the darkness and the cold breeze creeping through the curtains making them fly in dazzling shapes.

Ronan can not sleep.

.

Adam is lying on the soft mattress in Declan's bed his eyes fixed upon the ceiling and his thoughts tangling themselves and making his head hurt.

He can hear movement from Ronan's room and he knows that Ronan is not asleep.

He is not sure if this is comforting or not.

Adam's thoughts start drifting off to everything that has happened that past couple of months.

He thinks of trees and demons, he thinks of friends and enemies, he things of death and rebirth.

He also thinks of a pair of soft lips moving alongside his own and a boy with a sharp smile, a buzzed head and a fragile heart.

And suddenly Adam wants. Adam wants to feel the power of Ronan's mouth on him again, he wants to brush his hands across his skin, he wants to trace the wicked and beautiful black ink covering his back, he wants to hear his heartbeat beneath his ear, he wants and wants and wants so much that is physically painful but something is holding him back.

And he knows what that something is.

Because suddenly it feels like all along Ronan has been asking him a question, a question that he has avoiding since he finally decided to acknowledge the other boy's eyes lingering on him longer than expected.  
Ronan has been asking him a question, silently, in his own way since his birthday night at the Barns and Adam had been avoiding it because he did not know the answer.

But know he does.  
.

Ronan has the music blasting in his headphones so loud that for a moment he thought that he imagines the soft knock on his door.

But no matter how big his imagination is he was sure that Adam's voice, so unsure and silent and real, could not possibly be inside his head.

"Ronan?"

Ronan seizes his options. He can close his eyes and curl deeper inside his sheets, pretending that he had been sleeping or even dreaming instead of letting his own mind corrupt and surround him, saving himself from having to confront Adam's blue sleep heavy eyes and doing or worse saying something that Adam is not ready to hear, or he could let him inside his room or better inside his heart and leave his luck to Adam's beautifully dangerous hands.

He chooses the later.

"Parrish," he voices, wanted it to sound indifferent but falling completely as the name comes out more as broken plea.

Adam has already opened the door his bare feet making his way to Ronan’s bed and Ronan clears his throat trying to remember how to breathe.

Ronan would normally make some snaky remark that would probably fire Adam up resulting in both of them loosing their temper and start throwing curses at each other for hours without an end until they are both exhausted and too tired to pretend to hate each other any more. But not tonight.

He keeps quiet instead, sitting up from where he is laying so that he can sit on the edge of his mattress. He puts his headphones to rest on his bedside table, his eyes on Adam as he slowly comes to sit next to Ronan, his gaze fixed to his feet.

He waits for Adam to find his words, to say the reason that he traded his sleep for an awkward visit in Ronan's room or maybe the reason why he wants to stay with Ronan at all but instead his burning gaze falls into Ronan’s eyes and Ronan is suddenly thankful for the dark because he is sure that his cheeks are now burning even more than his fuelled heart.

Adam doesn't speak. He keeps looking at Ronan for a long while and Ronan is the most insecure that he had ever remembered being and he feels his eyes watering from want, from worry from something that is burning inside his chest, something that he wants out but something that he knows words will fail him to express.

And suddenly he is angry. He doesn't know why or how, but the sudden change in his emotions is building up a fire inside him and he is ready to let it burst, ready to let Adam know exactly what he had been feeling for the past two moths, no, for the past two years, and he--

Ronan's mind stops working because Adam finally, tears his eyes away from him and hesitantly takes his shirt off.

His breath catches in his throat.

Because Adam's wonderful flesh, his nicely shaped arms from all the handwork he had done in the past, his too thin stomach, his prominent shoulders and his collarbones are all covered in purple and red brushes, horrible marks of a past he never chose and a past he will probably never be able to fully get away from.

A past that has left him with a broken heart and as it seems, physical marks to remind to him so.

Ronan doesn't know if he should cry or scream, if he should be angry again and then at who?

At Adam's shit head poor excuse of a father who dared to lay his filthy hands in something so beautiful and vulnerable or at the world itself for thinking that it was allowed to put Adam Parrish through hell while all he deserved was heaven. He wants to hit something, preferably the shit out of Robert Parrish but before he is able to express these exact thoughts out loud, Adam, for what feels the first time in years, starts speaking, his voice low and shaky.

"For the most part of my life," he starts, preferring once again to look on the floor rather that Ronan's eyes, "for the most part of my life I thought that I deserved this."

Adam takes a deep breath and when he looks up at Ronan his eyes are slightly red.

"I spent such a big part of my life thinking that I was doing something wrong, that I was a disappointment, that my father was right for doing what he did and for some time I thought that maybe he did it because of love.

“I was desperate, so desperate for affection, that I tried to find it on them long after I’ve realised that what they did was wrong.”

Adam wipes a tear running down his cheek, one of his fists curling in Ronan’s blanket. Before he can think about it twice Ronan grabs his other palm on his, pressing it softly and starting to running circles with his thumb along Adam’s soft skin.

He doesn’t speak. He knows that Adam needs to say more and he lets him.

His voice when he speaks again is barely a whisper, so silent that Ronan wouldn’t have heard him if he was not so focused on his lips.

“I think-Sometimes I feel like he broke me, Ronan,”

At this Ronan wipes one or Adam’s tears on his own, with the hand that is not holding on to Adam’s.

Anger is firing up inside him again for how untrue and how unfair this sentiment is. Because Adam Parrish is anything but broken. He may be bent a bit, beaten again and again from the fate life chose for him but he held on strong, he survived and he came through better, lovelier, with his heart scarred but deep down still beating.

“When I had finally realized that he would never care about me I convinced myself that I did not need anyone else to do so.” Adam continues.

“My single care from that moment and on was how to survive, how to get away and I had swore to myself that I wouldn’t let this need that I have for affection to distract me.”

Adam presses Ronan’s palm strongly tangling their fingers together.

“I was so alone, for so fucking long, that when you, all of you, came along to my life I didn’t know how to do it.

“I didn’t know how to let myself care for other people without expecting them to turn against me in the first opportunity. How to let myself care for others who also cared about me. But I learned. Or at least I think so. I tried however, I still am, I’m trying my best.”

He looks at Ronan again, looking for assurance maybe, and Ronan nods without thinking about it because of course, Adam was their best friend, Adam is Gansey’s best friend and Ronan’s fucking everything and he deserves every last piece of it and even more and he wants to let him know.

But he lets Adam finish.

“I learned how to care for other people, how to accept the fact that maybe there are people who care about me as well, I learned to consider people friends, but when it comes to you,”

Ronan had never wanted to hear anything more than the words that are about to fall from Adam’s lips but at he same time he dreads this moment with every last piece of his being.

“I l- I care about you so much but I feel like don’t know how to do it, I never learned. I never thought I was able to _care_ so much, Ronan, I always felt like he beat that ability out of me. And I’m scared because I feel like it’s unfair that I- I—"

Ronan has been keeping quiet for so long but at this he breaks, because he knows that Adam needs to hear this now, now that for the first time ever they had both let their walls down, now because he doesn’t know if he will be able to say it again and now because he means it so fucking much that it is threating to destroy him.

“Fucking hell, Parrish,” his voice is breaking but he doesn’t even try to hide it, “I’ve fucking been in love with you since” Adam opens his mouth to answer but Ronan shakes his head quickly. “—Stop don’t do this, let me finish— since the moment Gansey decided to goddamn bring you along with his crew.”

Adam lowers his head but he tightens his hold on Ronan’s fingers.

“I know,” he whispers after a moment, looking at where their hands are intertwined through his long, dusty lashes.

“I know that you love me, Ronan, and it just-I’m afraid because I don’t know how-I”

Adam exhales, quietly.

“This time I can’t convince myself I deserve it.”

Ronan thinks about for a moment.

“Are you finished? Because, personally, I think this is all complete bullshit,” the anger is finally slipping out of Ronan’s control, lighting his insides into flames. Adam immediately goes defensive at his tone, trying to free his hand from Ronan’s hold but Ronan just wraps his fingers in Adam’s tighter.

Adam’s eyes are hollow and blurry and Ronan can not stand watching him like this. He can’t stand watching Adam sitting at the edge of his bed, his shirt still laying somewhere in his messy sheets, looking frightened and vulnerable and alone. He can’t fucking bear a second more of it.

He leans forward, slowly, carefully, giving Adam every opportunity to shy away, to turn him down. But Adam just looks up at him in the darkness, and his gaze is almost pleading.

The moment Ronan connects their lips together the ground goes unsteady bellow Ronan’s feet. Adam’s kiss is like a hurricane, hungry and desperate and strong and Ronan can do nothing but relent at his mercy, ready to accept whatever Adam is willing to give.

Adam parts their mouths for a single moment, just to catch his breath, and Ronan immediately takes the opportunity attack Adam’s neck and collarbones. He looks up at Adam and he sees that although the pleasure is clear, like a brush of colour along his features, his brows are slightly knitted and Ronan doesn’t need to think twice to understand why.

His one palm tangles in Adam’s soft curls and his other leaves his neck to follow gently along Adam’s belly. He makes a path along one red, angry scar, which appears to almost cutting Adam in half; starting from his right shoulder and ending somewhere on his left hipbone.  
Adam turns his head away.

Ronan forces their eyes to lock for a second and then he wraps his arms around Adam, burying his nose on Adam’s neck.

“You are the most loving-capable person I have ever met,” he let’s out, voice low and rasp just above Adam’s good ear.

He hears the other boy laugh bitterly and in this moment he hates Robert Parrish with every cell of his being.

“Don’t, Ronan,”

“You know I don’t fucking lie,”

Ronan lets go of Adam and just grabs his face with both of his hands instead.

“Look I don’t know what this asshole did to mess with your head that fucking much, but this all complete bullshit. Parrish you _are_ capable of love. Fucking hell if you are not then who the fuck is? You are both worthy of love and capable of it. Adam, who we love and how—it’s not in our fucking DNA. It’s goddamned choice we make.”

Adam was tearing up again but his eyes did not leave Ronan’s face once.

“ You love people because you chose to try your fucking best for their happiness. And don’t fucking tell me you don’t know how. You love Gansey and the maggot and you choose to do so every day. You love the brat, too. She knows it, you know. She knows you love her because you goddamn decide to show it to her. Do you want me to go and bring her in to tell you as much? Now that I think about it you may even love Cheng. And like who the fuck am I to judge dick is head over heels for him anyway and like-“

“I love you, too,”

Ronan’s rumbling goes out immediately.

“W-What?”

“I love you.”

Ronan shallows. He turns to look at Adam and founds Adam’s gaze already waiting for him.

Ronan is not sure that he is breathing in this moment. Because Adam just told him he loved him and Ronan had not been brave enough to even dream about those words leaving his mouth. And like well, Ronan did just confess his feelings to Adam but he was sure that Adam knew how he was feeling long before this moment. Ronan was sure that Adam knew about his feelings way before Adam admitted it just mere minutes ago.

Adam had to know because Ronan wanted him to. Because Ronan knew that Adam was not ready to hear these words before today but this did not mean that he wouldn’t try to show him in any way he could. Because Ronan is not good with words but Adam is, and Ronan is well aware that he would never say the word love in vain.

It’s the first time Ronan is the one to brake the staring contest first.

“Adam-“ he begins to say, his fingers now tangling between each other on the tip of his lap.

“No Ronan, please, I need to say this,” Adam says and who the fuck is Ronan to deny Adam anything.

“I love you. I do—Ronan I-“

Adam is shaking, curling further into himself and he brushes his cheek with his shoulder trying to wipe away the glittering tears that are now clearly storming from his face.

“Fuck. You’re—I’m—” Adam is now blinking rapidly as the tears start falling more thickly. “Fuck. Don’t you understand? ”

“Adam you don’t have to—“Ronan begins to say but Adam just grabs his hand and puts for a bare second presses his lips against his.

“No, Ronan, it’s just—this was the whole point from the start—” Adam is shaking his head and his eyes are still wet but a tiny, uneven smile is now forming in his face.

“You are the first person I’ve ever said these words to.”

There is no chance is hell Ronan is not dreaming.  
His head however is already picturing a young Adam, an Adam still trapped in the trailer park, an Adam alone and afraid and desperate for human contact in any possible form, an Adam who grew up to believe that he did not deserve any. How does someone realize that they are capable of loving when they never had anyone to love in the first place?

Ronan knows better that to apologize, act in any way that could be considered as pitiful from the other boy so he just bumps their knees together from where they are sitting side by side on his bed.

“You can say it as many times as you need to,” he smirks but he knows that Adam understands completely what he really wants to say.

Adam’s grin is now wide and something inside Ronan catches fire.

Ronan brings his hand to rest on Adam’s jaw his thumb tracing just barely the corner of his mouth.

“Do you want to sleep here?” he asks, quietly, his foot now stepping lightly on top of Adam’s, his fingers curling on his soft skin.

“Please,” Adam chokes out and he doesn’t waste a moment crawling on Ronan’s mattress and hiding under his covers.

Ronan hides a smile and joins him and Adam spares him from having to make the first move because he immediately cuddles on his side, brushing his lips just bellow Ronan’s ear.

Ronan joins their hands together again and brings them to his mouth planting a small kisses on Adam’s knuckles.

“Ronan,” Adam says, “I may not always know how to love you,”

“That’s okay,”

“No, it’s not. Maybe I won’t always be able to show it to you but I do. Love you I mean. I’m not scared to love you, I’m scared because I do so much. Promise to always tell me when I get it wrong?”

Ronan holds Adam tightly between his arms and presses a kiss on the top of his head.

“Better than. I promise to tell you every time you get it right,” he says, and Adam drifts off to sleep, his smile peaceful and easy, his hand still tucked warm and safe right into Ronan’s own.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are love!  
Thank you for reading.


End file.
